When do you buy Valentine flowers?

                                                                

I buy my own flowers. 

Valentine flowers I buy on February 15. 

It took me a while (ok, a few years) to understand that we enter relationships with our family of origin expectations packed in our suitcases. As a child living in Germany, we had several families from the US come to visit us and tour Europe. The summer I turned 16 we had a family come for a couple of weeks. Our sightseeing included Bavaria, Oberammergau, chance tickets to see the Passion Play and eventually, Paris. 

It was our trip to Paris I want to revisit. Known for his frugal habits, my father chose the least expensive hotel he could find. This was in 1970, no Trivago or Expedia around to verify hotel accommodations. We did learn all we needed to learn about the hotel on the elevator ride up to our rooms. The one we shared with other hotel guests and their escorts. It was after that trip that my mother insisted on white linen tablecloths wherever we visited.

For her, white linen tablecloths represented respectability, cleanliness and probably most importantly, no escorts. In the context of my parent's experiences, white linen tablecloths made sense for them. The 'white linen tablecloths' requirement was one of many family of origin expectations I brought into our marriage.

Mark brought his own family stories of expectations re gift-giving and special occasions. Our own gift giving experiences have ranged from 'hope you kept the receipt' to 'OMG I love it, I mean, you.' Our first Christmas celebration (we had been married ONE MONTH), Mark's gift to me was a crockpot. That's a story for another time.

Which brings me back to flowers. One of the things I work with couples in counseling on is identifying and managing expectations of themselves, of their partners and of the relationship. I have learned that I truly enjoy all aspects of choosing, buying, and arranging flowers. I do not need, expect or want Mark to buy me flowers. When he does buy flowers, he skypes to allow me to participate in the process.  The following is from a recent FB post. 

'I'm home after 1 1/2 weeks of teaching in Atlanta. I know Mark brought fresh flowers yesterday because he Skyped to see which ones I liked. So I was a bit hesitant to comment on these.
Me: These are interesting.
Mark: They're the old ones. I don't change anything when you're gone.'

It's taken a while, but I think I'm learning to leave my 'white linen tablecloth' expectations with my parents.

It was their story anyway.