Elin, ‘can I help you put the candles in the cake?’Me, ‘yes, you can place them anywhere you want.’
It is her next response that prompts this writing.
Elin, ‘Grandma, you are happy to let me help.’
As one of her primary caregivers her first year, Elin and I created many conversation patterns. One of which was the following,
Elin, ‘Grandma, can you help me?’ To which I would respond, ‘I’m happy to help you.’
In the conversation re the birthday candles, Elin was reminding me of our pattern, our way of relating to each other. Which started me thinking.
As a counselor, I am privilege to many conversations between partners, that, in some ways, are very similar to the one Elin and I shared. One partner reminding the other partner, ‘don’t you remember? This is what we said we would do.’ And sometimes the partner responds with ‘right, forgot.’ And sometimes the partner is silent, as they no longer wish to continue the pattern, the expectations, the commitment.
‘It can get better.’ A client recently started a session with that phrase. ‘You offered us that phrase last session, and I realized I had not heard anybody say that marriage could get better in a long time.’ Conversations that remind us of our first intentions, calling us to renew our commitments with authentic love can be moments of transition.
From This is difficult, I don’t like who I’ve (We’ve) become, to
This is difficult, and I remember who I am (who you are, who we are),
someone committed to our continued conversations,
our continued pursuit of helping each other,
and our continued call to be our best selves.
As the birthday dinner ended, family members are saying goodbye, Elin brings her shoes over to my chair.
Elin, ‘Grandma, can you help me with my shoes?’
Me, ‘I’m happy to help.’
May you respond to reminders with grace, to renewed calls for authentic love with a resounding, ‘yes.’
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